Boyfriend and boundaries
What to do when your boyfriend goes on a trip with his friends and you know that their friends (and him) will go to places and pubs to look other women and comment if they are hot or not? I find it disrespectful but he says that he does not do that as much as they friends and it’s in an innocent way. However it gives me anxiety because of a possible infidelity… It’s like having mixed feelings about letting it go or making a big deal of it.
Heart on my sleeve
I've always been the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve and jumps into a relationship, giving everyone a chance and not letting bad experiences affect future relationships. Until now. A short (1.5year) relationship ended in February. I thought they were my forever person, but they had sever commitment issues since they won't over their ex from 3years prior. Since him, I feel emotionally inept. I want to date and catch feels and have a relationship, but I physically cannot. Everything gives me "the ick" for loss of a better phrase and I don't think I do want a relationship. Although I'm currently semi happy with being single for a while, I'm genuinely scared I won't ever want a relationship and will be alone forever. Help!
When to stop dating?
When newly dating someone, at what point do you stop seeing/being open to seeing other people? And do you tell the other person? I'm 4 weeks in with a guy who I think is great, but I feel like I'm not supposed to stop being open to others until there's some kind of understanding between us?!
Red flags
I recently ended things with a man that everyone was telling me i should have ran a mile from. Why do I keep doubting myself and thinking did I jump the gun when he ended things with me 2 weeks previous telling me he didnt want a relationship then telling me he did. I know this wasnt right but why cant I stop thinking about him and want to go back ther?
Healed?
Doing the work (thanks to you!), on a journey of self awareness and self reflection. Trying to heal my anxious attachment wounds and abandonment issues. My question is - how will I know when I’m “healed”?? Hear about healing a lot and doing the work, but what does it really mean to be healed? Thanks in advance for your insight 🤗
The girl before me
I would just like to say, I love your podcasts so much. They have made me realise I have an anxious attachment style and opened my eyes up to so many patterns in my dating life. There's a topic I'd really love to hear a podcast on and that's comparing yourself to the woman he chose over you. A couple of months ago, things ended with a guy who I dated for a few months. Whilst we were dating I couldn't help but feel he was still hung up on his ex that moved to a different country (bear in mind it had been over six months since the breakup when we started dating and they dated for a year). And when I brought it up with him he told me I had nothing to worry about, he would never get back with her, that she treated him really badly and none of his friends liked her. Now it is over I can't help but feel he was definitely hung up on her, and what did she have that I didn't? I keep going round and round in my mind about it. Is this something you ever felt and how to overcome it?
Help
I recently ended things with a man that everyone was telling me i should have ran a mile from. Why do I keep doubting myself and thinking did I jump the gun when he ended things with me 2 weeks previous telling me he didnt want a relationship then telling me he did. I know this wasnt right but why cant I stop thinking about him and want to go back there?
Mental health in relationships
I’ve been with my boyfriend for around a year now. When we first met he was in a good place. A few life events happened around the same time and he has spiralled into a deep depression, which the past few months has been super pronounced. I find it really hard to accept him as he is. I don’t want to leave him. I love him. But his inconsistent behaviour due to his mood is so triggering for me. It’s really affecting me. I don’t know how to better manage myself. I don’t know if I want to live with someone who is depressed in the way he is. I want to believe that he has the ability to learn to manage his depression and to become functional and functional in our relationship. But is that a huge ask to be depending on his mental state to change for me to be comfortable in the relationship. Other than his mental health, he is so loving so open. I can talk to him about anything. He is so supportive of me. He makes me laugh. He’s super affectionate, a family guy, everything I’m looking for. I don’t want to leave him, I feel awful that I’m considering leaving him at his lowest. But it’s hurting me the relationship we have now with his mental health and how we’re both managing it. I want to learn how to better manage my side.
Dating my best friend but starting to have doubts
Hey everyone!! I need a bit of advice… I’m currently in a relationship with one of my best friends (we’ve been friends for 5 years) and have been dating since this past august. In the past we were friends with benefits (I caught feelings, he didn’t but we got over that and became very good friends). This past summer he realized he liked me and wanted to start something serious. I’d always hoped this would happen but at the time I had also come to terms with it was never going to happen and I had accepted that. But, my whole thing was that if he ever changed his mind that was it for me. Like he was the one etc. basically, we started dating and it’s been great since like healthiest relationship, great communication, all that jazz. BUT for some reason I just feel like something is missing. I’m thinking maybe we jumped into it too quick (I also have a fear of commitment so there’s that to unpack lol) or I’m just not ready to be like “yeah he’s the one I’m never going to date anyone else”. He thinks that I’m the one and is ready to move in etc but I’m certainly not there. I also feel like there’s passion missing. I don’t feel like I want to jump his bones all the time. It’s tough because we’ve talked about the future and are fairly deep in considering our history, but I’m heavily debating whether or not to stay with him because I just have a feeling that he’s not it for me anymore. Maybe for 20 year old me, but not today. I really don’t want to break his heart and we’ve met each others families and our two other best friends have been skeptical since the beginning. Overall I’m just not sure whether or not to stick with it or break up and go back to being single (I kind of miss it and I feel like you shouldn’t if you’re with your person??). Please help!
Do I want kids or not?
I am approaching 35 and I am on the fence about whether or not I would like to have children. I did a private fertility MOT back in 2019 and was told that everything appeared fine, but was advised that once you reach 35 your fertility begins to decline. My partner is younger than me and has expressed that he doesn’t want kids any time soon. When he told me this I told him it wasn’t a dealbreaker for me at this moment in time, but was honest and said my viewpoint on this may change in time. I’m genuinely confused about the topic as I don’t have strong feelings either way. I love my very independent life in the city and have built an amazing home, career, friendship group and romantic relationship. I know I would be happy with or without a child in my future, but I feel like my body needs me to make a decision either way. Do you have any advice on figuring out whether motherhood is right for me? I have decided I don’t want to freeze my eggs.
Getting back together with my ex
Me and my ex stopped seing each othee about 7 months ago (August). We had a ONS back in october but apart from that we didn‘t have contact. I can‘t forget him and I thought a lot about the relationship and realized even though we both made mistakes, a lot of it was my fault because I failed to communicate. And I worked a lot on myself since then. I wan‘t to restart things but how do I text him / how do I go about this.
Boyfriend has lots of female friends
How do I become more okay with my partner having lots of female friends? I know he isn't doing anything wrong but I still get wildly jealous and emotional every time they interact. He has been intimate with a few of them prior to our relationship, so I understand where the jealousy comes from there, but I still get as upset with the others. Being jealous and controlling is not in my nature, and I do know that it is a good sign that he has a lot of female friends, as it shows he does not only view women as sexual objects. But this has been a lot harder on me than I expected. How do I become more okay with this?
Over 40 struggling to date
I have a dating history of avoidant men-mainly long situationships. I have been in therapy on n off for 10 years more on than off. During the covid pandemic I did a lot of work to look at my dating history and patterns. I put a list of boundaries in place- most what you discuss in your podcast. Since then and it could be linked to turning 40, I’m having trouble getting dates. I’m on a well known app and paying site, I have no problem getting matches, likes etc but the conversation dries up after a couple of exchanges and they dont reply to my message. Prior to no boundaries I was pretty good at getting dates. Help, I cant think what has changed other than putting boundaries in place. I’m now 41 in the last 18 months I’ve been on two separate dates.
HELP! I am now the Avoidant!
Long story short - I was anxiously attached and my ex was an avoidant. He broke up with me after 1.5 years of being together as he felt that we were incompatible in our communication styles [yes, of course we were. He was an avoidant. I was the doormat; trying everything to work things out, trying to communicate nicely etc. Feeling like I was the problem]. Now I know I did everything I can in that relationship, and it wasn't meant to be, and it wasn't my fault since he was the avoidant although he made me feel like I was the problem, during the breakup. Its been 10 months, I am on my healing journey. I feel so amazing. Everytime I thought I miss him, I learnt that I do miss being in a relationship, not him in particular. Right now as I'm moving on, because of the energy, the time, the love and the money I put into myself and my healing journey, being the "ME" right now is too precious and any man that I talk to at some level I realize that I am being the avoidant now because I don't want to let my healing journey go to waste. So I realize forever in my life that I will always keep a distance in my next relationships simply because of what it took for me to heal. So yes, I believe I am now the avoidant. My question is, I am worried that moving forward, i would get 'worse' in my avoidancy because of how much care I am putting into myself now.
Why can't I get over my last situationship?
Back in October I met this guy on Bumble and we hit it off. I didn't ask what he was looking for at the beginning because I didn't learn that was important until a few weeks later when I heard it on the podcast. So a few weeks in I asked the dreaded question and he said he didn't know what he was looking for. He had recently come out of a 2 year relationship and didn't have any intentions when he joined Bumble. He wanted to date and see if it materialised into "something". He said he wasn't looking for casual sex, wasn't thinking of seeing other people and he wasn't "opposed" to the idea of a relationship. However he also said that because of how he now viewed his last relationship and stats/facts he knew about dating/marriages etc from podcasts and stuff he reads, he didn't believe a relationship was possible in this day and age, which I found quite contradictory and sad at the same time. But of course when I heard all of that I, with my anxious attachment, decided that I was gonna be the one to change his mind. Fast forward 4 months and I realised I wasn't getting what I wanted and it wasn't my job to change his mind. I finally accepted we were on different pages and told him so. He apologised several times for being difficult and said he was truly lost when it came to relationships. He told me that I was a great person in every regard and that I deserved better. I deleted his number but left the door open from his end. I asked him to hit me back up if at some point in the future he had more clarity. I said I wouldn't be able to contact him because I was gonna delete everything (and I did!) but that I'd be willing to give this another go if at some point in the future we were on the same page and I wasn't seeing anyone else. This happened 1,5 months ago and I keep thinking about him every single day. I'm going on dates and trying to keep busy but I just can't stop thinking about him. I know I wasn't in love and he wasn't treating me the way I deserved. I keep going back and I know I made the right decision but I still can't get him off my mind. I fantasise with the idea of running into him and I know he hasn't deleted my number because he keeps showing up on my insta recommendations and we don't have any friends in common or any other connection. I think I'm secretly waiting for him to realise his mistake and come back but of course I have no guarantee thats gonna happen or that if it does things will be different. Why can't I forget about him? Is it still too recent? Is it the hope that he'll come back? What can do to get him off my mind? Thank you so much xx
Red Flags or Healthy Arguments?
I’ve been with my partner for about 10 months now and typically our communication is very strong. However, recently I have noticed traumas from my past relationships have effected my current relationship. To start, my partner has a couple of female friends that he has clear boundaries with and is always transparent about. Even though we have had multiple conversations regarding this I can’t help but get jealous and I can notice my mood shift whenever he mentions them. I know this jealousy is rooted in trauma from my ex, as he cheated on me for an entire year with said “friends”. I know that is not the case with this parter and it’s not fair for me to punish him for my ex’s mistakes but I don’t know how to emotionally accept it. I have set boundaries and he respects them but I feel like I will end up pushing him away if I can learn to accept this as a healthy part of our relationship.
My dating history - Men that doesnt make as much money as me
I previously posted a "help. I am now the avoidant" question. I now look into my dating history and found a juicy realization - I date men that doesnt make as much money as me. Girl I need advice. I am able to get men that would make a higher income than me but when that happens, I find myself being insecure because I am confident that I am a kind loving person. But I dont believe that that is enough to make a man stay. I don't feel like I'm the one in control. So I take up men that doesnt make as much money than me because I believe in love and I genuinely love them however when it comes to breaking up, I find myself being heartbroken emotionally but not enough to shake my whole world - because I was more financially stable and independent than them. So overall I felt like I was more in control with life than them and my feelings in a relationship are independent of my feelings rather than my life. As such, I avoid men that makes more money so that I wouldnt feel as hurt as I would if I ever know I lost a man that can take care of me. Now I know this is a problem because I want someone that can also take care of me financially and the father of my kids to be a leader of the household. So far with my dating history, I am the "leader" (although I pretend to give them the reigns though deep down in a man's world I can lead better than them). I believe that there is something within me that is worried about losing control and not knowing what is enough for a man to stay if I ever choose a man that makes more money than me.
Boundaries in a relationship
I have been with my boyfriend for a few years now and one thing I am struggling with at the moment is knowing what’s acceptable behaviour and what isn’t, when it comes to other women. There have been multiple situations where he’s told me how attractive other women are, joked about cheating (although he hasn’t / says he would never), and commented that other girls are into him. There have also been some questionable situations RE other girls where alcohol has been involved. It’s hard to move on from as currently, he is happy for girls to flirt with him on nights out & says it’s just normal. He gets annoyed if I bring it up. I’m struggling with this and I’m also struggling to trust him, but worry I’m overreacting. Any insight would be hugely appreciated. I listened to a recent episode where you mentioned how as women in particular, we do often worry that we are asking for too much and that definitely resonated with me, as I constantly feel my requests could be controlling which I don’t want to be at all.
Codependent Parents
I love my parents and I have a great relationship with them, but as I’ve started to do the work, I’ve recognized some of the pieces of my upbringing and childhood have influenced me. My parents met first week of freshman year of college, got engaged sophomore year and married after college. My dad was adopted and his adopted parents divorced when he was 8 so very much raised himself and my mom was raised in a very traditional home but probably the ‘kids should be seen and not heard mentality,’ definitely some anxious attachment tendencies, and with an extended family that refuses to acknowledge any kind of ‘blemish’… so it’s fair to say there’s some generational trauma especially on my dad’s side. Now as an independent adult, it’s been a continual lesson of setting boundaries and them accepting me as an adult… we’ve had some good conversations because they like to insert their opinions where it doesn’t belong but now extended periods of time where I can’t “escape” is triggering. To add to it, neither them or either of my two older sisters ever lived as independent single adults, so here I am, 28, single, with my own house, dog and life in a city a few hours away and I think the concept that someone could be whole and fulfilled without a partner is a foreign concept.
Battle between chemistry and logic
I work with this guy who I think has potentially “love bombed” me but as a friend if that’s possible. He compliments me everyday and is very attuned to me. Checks in and does small things like carry my laptop or bag to our different sites, gets me coffees or lunch. Pays attention to the little things etc. He’s become a friend and we talk to each other about our personal lives and what was going on for us as well as work. There is definitely chemistry or sexual tension between us but I’ve held him at arms length because I know we are not compatible and I know he would break my heart. But it feels like I’m constantly battling myself and not able to hold a boundary and I allow him to “love bomb” me because it feels good to be cared for and he is VERY good at making you feel good about yourself. But he’s also had this pattern before where he pays me a lot of attention and then if he meets another girl he withdrawals that attention and changes his behaviour. I think that happened last week as he’s suddenly changed his behaviour towards me since Monday and it hurts. I’ve had a shit week and been down about things at work and he hasn’t even checked in to see how I am l, but a week ago was so attentive. So I’m like OK how are you my friend? We’re you just wanting sex? I keep getting dragged back into this pattern with him and I KNOW LOGICALLY that he’s not my man but how do I fight the physical!?! Please help!
Constantly hoping they will change
A guy in my life is consistently not showing up the way I deserve. I go out of my way to support and be there for them. In my gut I know I shouldn’t have anyone in my life who makes me feel like this but then I just can’t cut it off. I can’t accept that they aren’t the friend I thought. I try to understand that everyone is different and they express their friendship different, but I have voiced a lot of how I feel and nothing changes. I’ve taken space from him before but Always end up messaging him. The maximum I go is 2 weeks. I’m like angry, hurt, upset and then fine on repeat. They try to reassure me to feel better but their actions don’t change. I feel so stupid, like always reappearing saying hi! Me again! They always say I'm making them out like a bad person. I don't want to feel like I've failed with the friendship.
Moving on from toxic relationship
Hello! So I've listed to Silent Signs of A Toxic Relationship and damn, I wish I had known this sooner! I have done the work with my therapist as to why I was attracted to this person and what wounds of mine pulled me in, and allowed my to accept this treatment. So I feel okay with that. My question is...now what...how do I trust myself again, how do I build self-esteem again, how do I trust another person again?