Limerance
Hi I’ve listened about your unconscious bonds and I know you talk about limerance but could we learn more about how to overcome this, as I feel like I need to leave a relationship and find myself also in a cycles of limerance with others and idk why nor want to. Makes me feel like a really bad person and would like to stop it but too ashamed to speak to therapist about it atm I am worried of being judged. Here feels like only safe space for now. Thanks!
Familiarity to ‘inconsistency’
If we have a familiarity to inconsistency due to childhood conditioning (emotional abandonment, dismissive parent) and we have been healing and becoming very self aware that we are wired for inconsistency and unpredictability, the emotional highs and lows…..but we are now in a healthy relationship, and that pattern is clearer than ever, I feel like our bodies can crave the familiar chaos, we can be addicted biochemically to the emotions, to the adrenaline, cortisol and dopamine that inconsistent relationships bring to us. Once we are aware that this is our pattern and that although the pattern feels familiar, we do gravitate towards people who can help us play out those patterns from the past, hoping for a better outcome in the present, we understand repetition compulsion, how do we start to release our addiction to these chemicals? Prioritising peace and releasing our own inner volatility is 2 huge parts, but I’d love it if you could go into the biochemical part of this pattern, and when our bodies will stop craving the chemicals? Is it by keeping bringing our baseline level of stress down? Thanks so much x
Why do i still struggle so much with letting go even though there was abuse involved?
Hey! I still struggle with grief and sometimes rumination about my break-up. The relationship continued for almost 4 years (with breaks) and had ups and downs. My ex partner has a dismissive avoidant attachement style which he does not want to work on, as well as some other maladaptive coping mechanisms that included verbally abusing me when he was triggered (e.g. shut the fuck up, go bury your feelings in the trash where they belong, you are a stupid piece of shit“) . When NOT triggered, he was a very loving person and then i did feel loved by him. It‘s like there‘s two persons in one and when he reacted in these unhealthy ways, he blamed it on me most of the time. I am in therapy and working on myself , so all of these things as well as my needs not being met due to his avoidance led to me breaking up with him. But it‘s still so painful. I miss the good times and the things i loved about him and a part of me actually still misses the feeling i had with him (attachement issues say hello) and this part is still hoping that one day, he might just come to me and suddenly want to work on all this stuff as well. Because there were many good things as well. I also often ruminate about what i could or should have done differently and if i am this terrible person he told me to be in his triggered moments. Why is it still so hard to let go? Why do i still miss spending time and laughing and cuddling with him when sometimes he did not treat me well at all?
Nervous system dysregulated
I feel dsyregulated all the time recently and I don’t know why. Even if I do somatic shaking it only temporarily gets rid of the shaky feeling in my body. How can I connect to my body and understand why I am feeling like this? It’s so frustrating and having an impact on my sleep. I do meditation every day and I get out for my 10k steps and go to the gym. I’m trying to do everything right but still the dysregulated feeling is there. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Emotionally (un)available ?
Hi Louise, I have been listening to your podcast for a while now and only recently subscribed to this! It has been sooo helpful and honestly brought so much insight into my patterns. I was in a 4 year (toxic) relationship because the both of us got together from a place of loneliness and had unhealed our wounds and attachment issues. It has been 8 months now out of it and I m ready to date again. However I seem to be only attracting emotionally unavailable men and kinda am starting to feel very frustrated or not able to trust the process as much anymore. I was wondering if you could give a guide perhaps how to 1. trust the journey more and 2. to become more emotionally available. I am not even sure if im unavailble but just in case there is a chance there is no harm in working on it right?
How to let go of someone
I was seeing someone until late last year and it was going very well (lots of green flags) and then he ended things quite abruptly when he experienced a tragedy in his family - of course, completely understand, I wanted to be there for him but respect his choice to end things as from what I understood he couldn't emotionally cope with what has happening in his family and starting a new relationship. Its been a few months and I don't seem able to let him go in my mind - all my other past relationships it was a bit easier to let go as I could list off quite a few red flags but with him I am struggling as it was all green flags.
Grieving my childhood
I’ve recently discussed with my therapist the need to grieve my childhood for all the trauma experienced, not having parents who loved me. I feel a lot of anger towards them and confusion about how I feel, I feel completely detached from “little me”. How can I start to take steps to “grieve”? It feels like all I’ve done is cry and talk about it and there’s only so much doing that can do.
How to stay consistent with self love
Since the year began, I was putting so much work at loving myself. Reading daily, going to the gym, yoga at home, reducing my vaping habits, journaling, eating healthier etc. However for the past two weeks I completely lost motivation for almost all of it, and I find it so hard to restart even though I loved how I felt. I have this overwhelming sensation of just.. being overwhelmed constantly. All I’ve managed to do is go to work and come home to lay in bed to watch Netflix. I’m constantly losing patience and find myself being a bit rude to others, and when I go to bed I rethink everything I’ve done wrong, and promise myself to be better the next day and it all just repeats.
Accepted a relationship is over in the heart but not the mind
I’ve been broken up with my ex for almost a year, and there hasn’t been a single day I don’t think about him. I’ve accepted it’s over, I know as much as we loved each other too many toxic things happened for us to continue. He has reached out a couple of times but I’ve kept it short and friendly. Anyway, even though I think I’m over him, why do I think of him daily?
Feel insane when they meet someone else!
Hi! Would love some insights about this. I've had chaotic and unstable relationships throughout my life. I've ended relationships when I've been cheated on or not had my needs met in some way but understand now I had a subconscious belief that they would fight for me, and become so angry when they don't! I feel sad about it ending but not distraught as I temporarily feel like I'm in control (and feel sure they'll want me back 🤦♀️)....when they inevitably (and ALWAYS really quickly) meet someone else, I feel pain and rage like no other. It's unbearable and absolutely consumes me. Even though I can rationally list multiple reasons we weren't right for each other, every part of me is desperate to maintain a connection. It gets worse with every failed relationship and I'm sick of it. Am in therapy with an amazing therapist but wanted to put it out there! Thank you so much xx
Repetitive compulsion
I realise that my core wound is emotional neglect (dismissive avoidant father) and throughout my healing journey I have become so aware of my inner child’s familiarity with this dynamic, I would love to get to a point where I am not so triggered by emotional neglect, but I also realise that it isn’t normal to align to it either, which for most of my life I have done thinking it was ‘normal’ I’d love for you to talk more about repetitive compulsion and how our brains seek out people who will allow us to recreate the past, in a hope of healing past pain. I have read many times that when we meet somebody our unconscious mind kind of has an ‘unconscious exchange’ and already knows that this person will be someone who can recreate painful dynamics, to try and conquer the past in the present. How does our unconscious mind know this when we have just met someone? Also the repetitive compulsion fascinates me, I think it’s brilliantly worded and it definitely feels like a ‘compulsion’ I know it involves lots of parts, our ego, our inner child, our shadow etc…..I am at the point of my healing journey where I will just remove myself from emotionally neglectful people if it’s people I really care about, because I know it could flip me into repetitive compulsion - I’d like to know what happens with the body biochemically when we are engaged in repetitive compulsion? What is the best way once you’ve been on a healing journey for a while to deal with the core wound of emotional neglect? I know I couldn’t have this dynamic in a romantic setting, I can handle it in a friendship setting ‘odd I know’. And because I have such a familiarity with emotional neglect and I’m in a very healthy emotionally safe relationship now, my work is to open up fully to available love which is a new beast of its own. Basically my question is around repetitive compulsion how it effects us biochemically and psychologically and how to move forward with it integrated into your healing journey, and reduce the triggers x
Alina
Hi Louise, i love your podcast and i have a question that i hope you might be able to answer 🩷 i do have a lot of beliefs like „i am not good enough, i will be abandoned, i am not worthy, it‘s all my fault“ and so on as well as anxious attachement and had difficulty leaving past relationships despite abuse. I feel like there must have been some serious trauma in my childhood, given how deep these fears and the pain sits. But i cannot think of a SINGLE memory of feeling abandoned as a child or like it‘s all my fault. I have not that much memories of my childhood in general, but the ones i have are almost exclusively positive. But this leads me to not understanding myself and feeling stuck in my healing Process because i have zero Connection to my hurt inner child, no matter how much i try. I don‘t even understand where most of the pain is coming from. How is that even possible ? Makes me feel crazy sometimes & i can‘t connect to the hurt parts. Do you know why that might be? 🩷
Moving on from toxic relationship
Hello! So I've listed to Silent Signs of A Toxic Relationship and damn, I wish I had known this sooner! I have done the work with my therapist as to why I was attracted to this person and what wounds of mine pulled me in, and allowed my to accept this treatment. So I feel okay with that. My question is...now what...how do I trust myself again, how do I build self-esteem again, how do I trust another person again?
Constantly hoping they will change
A guy in my life is consistently not showing up the way I deserve. I go out of my way to support and be there for them. In my gut I know I shouldn’t have anyone in my life who makes me feel like this but then I just can’t cut it off. I can’t accept that they aren’t the friend I thought. I try to understand that everyone is different and they express their friendship different, but I have voiced a lot of how I feel and nothing changes. I’ve taken space from him before but Always end up messaging him. The maximum I go is 2 weeks. I’m like angry, hurt, upset and then fine on repeat. They try to reassure me to feel better but their actions don’t change. I feel so stupid, like always reappearing saying hi! Me again! They always say I'm making them out like a bad person. I don't want to feel like I've failed with the friendship.
Battle between chemistry and logic
I work with this guy who I think has potentially “love bombed” me but as a friend if that’s possible. He compliments me everyday and is very attuned to me. Checks in and does small things like carry my laptop or bag to our different sites, gets me coffees or lunch. Pays attention to the little things etc. He’s become a friend and we talk to each other about our personal lives and what was going on for us as well as work. There is definitely chemistry or sexual tension between us but I’ve held him at arms length because I know we are not compatible and I know he would break my heart. But it feels like I’m constantly battling myself and not able to hold a boundary and I allow him to “love bomb” me because it feels good to be cared for and he is VERY good at making you feel good about yourself. But he’s also had this pattern before where he pays me a lot of attention and then if he meets another girl he withdrawals that attention and changes his behaviour. I think that happened last week as he’s suddenly changed his behaviour towards me since Monday and it hurts. I’ve had a shit week and been down about things at work and he hasn’t even checked in to see how I am l, but a week ago was so attentive. So I’m like OK how are you my friend? We’re you just wanting sex? I keep getting dragged back into this pattern with him and I KNOW LOGICALLY that he’s not my man but how do I fight the physical!?! Please help!
Codependent Parents
I love my parents and I have a great relationship with them, but as I’ve started to do the work, I’ve recognized some of the pieces of my upbringing and childhood have influenced me. My parents met first week of freshman year of college, got engaged sophomore year and married after college. My dad was adopted and his adopted parents divorced when he was 8 so very much raised himself and my mom was raised in a very traditional home but probably the ‘kids should be seen and not heard mentality,’ definitely some anxious attachment tendencies, and with an extended family that refuses to acknowledge any kind of ‘blemish’… so it’s fair to say there’s some generational trauma especially on my dad’s side. Now as an independent adult, it’s been a continual lesson of setting boundaries and them accepting me as an adult… we’ve had some good conversations because they like to insert their opinions where it doesn’t belong but now extended periods of time where I can’t “escape” is triggering. To add to it, neither them or either of my two older sisters ever lived as independent single adults, so here I am, 28, single, with my own house, dog and life in a city a few hours away and I think the concept that someone could be whole and fulfilled without a partner is a foreign concept.
Boundaries in a relationship
I have been with my boyfriend for a few years now and one thing I am struggling with at the moment is knowing what’s acceptable behaviour and what isn’t, when it comes to other women. There have been multiple situations where he’s told me how attractive other women are, joked about cheating (although he hasn’t / says he would never), and commented that other girls are into him. There have also been some questionable situations RE other girls where alcohol has been involved. It’s hard to move on from as currently, he is happy for girls to flirt with him on nights out & says it’s just normal. He gets annoyed if I bring it up. I’m struggling with this and I’m also struggling to trust him, but worry I’m overreacting. Any insight would be hugely appreciated. I listened to a recent episode where you mentioned how as women in particular, we do often worry that we are asking for too much and that definitely resonated with me, as I constantly feel my requests could be controlling which I don’t want to be at all.
My dating history - Men that doesnt make as much money as me
I previously posted a "help. I am now the avoidant" question. I now look into my dating history and found a juicy realization - I date men that doesnt make as much money as me. Girl I need advice. I am able to get men that would make a higher income than me but when that happens, I find myself being insecure because I am confident that I am a kind loving person. But I dont believe that that is enough to make a man stay. I don't feel like I'm the one in control. So I take up men that doesnt make as much money than me because I believe in love and I genuinely love them however when it comes to breaking up, I find myself being heartbroken emotionally but not enough to shake my whole world - because I was more financially stable and independent than them. So overall I felt like I was more in control with life than them and my feelings in a relationship are independent of my feelings rather than my life. As such, I avoid men that makes more money so that I wouldnt feel as hurt as I would if I ever know I lost a man that can take care of me. Now I know this is a problem because I want someone that can also take care of me financially and the father of my kids to be a leader of the household. So far with my dating history, I am the "leader" (although I pretend to give them the reigns though deep down in a man's world I can lead better than them). I believe that there is something within me that is worried about losing control and not knowing what is enough for a man to stay if I ever choose a man that makes more money than me.
Red Flags or Healthy Arguments?
I’ve been with my partner for about 10 months now and typically our communication is very strong. However, recently I have noticed traumas from my past relationships have effected my current relationship. To start, my partner has a couple of female friends that he has clear boundaries with and is always transparent about. Even though we have had multiple conversations regarding this I can’t help but get jealous and I can notice my mood shift whenever he mentions them. I know this jealousy is rooted in trauma from my ex, as he cheated on me for an entire year with said “friends”. I know that is not the case with this parter and it’s not fair for me to punish him for my ex’s mistakes but I don’t know how to emotionally accept it. I have set boundaries and he respects them but I feel like I will end up pushing him away if I can learn to accept this as a healthy part of our relationship.
Why can't I get over my last situationship?
Back in October I met this guy on Bumble and we hit it off. I didn't ask what he was looking for at the beginning because I didn't learn that was important until a few weeks later when I heard it on the podcast. So a few weeks in I asked the dreaded question and he said he didn't know what he was looking for. He had recently come out of a 2 year relationship and didn't have any intentions when he joined Bumble. He wanted to date and see if it materialised into "something". He said he wasn't looking for casual sex, wasn't thinking of seeing other people and he wasn't "opposed" to the idea of a relationship. However he also said that because of how he now viewed his last relationship and stats/facts he knew about dating/marriages etc from podcasts and stuff he reads, he didn't believe a relationship was possible in this day and age, which I found quite contradictory and sad at the same time. But of course when I heard all of that I, with my anxious attachment, decided that I was gonna be the one to change his mind. Fast forward 4 months and I realised I wasn't getting what I wanted and it wasn't my job to change his mind. I finally accepted we were on different pages and told him so. He apologised several times for being difficult and said he was truly lost when it came to relationships. He told me that I was a great person in every regard and that I deserved better. I deleted his number but left the door open from his end. I asked him to hit me back up if at some point in the future he had more clarity. I said I wouldn't be able to contact him because I was gonna delete everything (and I did!) but that I'd be willing to give this another go if at some point in the future we were on the same page and I wasn't seeing anyone else. This happened 1,5 months ago and I keep thinking about him every single day. I'm going on dates and trying to keep busy but I just can't stop thinking about him. I know I wasn't in love and he wasn't treating me the way I deserved. I keep going back and I know I made the right decision but I still can't get him off my mind. I fantasise with the idea of running into him and I know he hasn't deleted my number because he keeps showing up on my insta recommendations and we don't have any friends in common or any other connection. I think I'm secretly waiting for him to realise his mistake and come back but of course I have no guarantee thats gonna happen or that if it does things will be different. Why can't I forget about him? Is it still too recent? Is it the hope that he'll come back? What can do to get him off my mind? Thank you so much xx
HELP! I am now the Avoidant!
Long story short - I was anxiously attached and my ex was an avoidant. He broke up with me after 1.5 years of being together as he felt that we were incompatible in our communication styles [yes, of course we were. He was an avoidant. I was the doormat; trying everything to work things out, trying to communicate nicely etc. Feeling like I was the problem]. Now I know I did everything I can in that relationship, and it wasn't meant to be, and it wasn't my fault since he was the avoidant although he made me feel like I was the problem, during the breakup. Its been 10 months, I am on my healing journey. I feel so amazing. Everytime I thought I miss him, I learnt that I do miss being in a relationship, not him in particular. Right now as I'm moving on, because of the energy, the time, the love and the money I put into myself and my healing journey, being the "ME" right now is too precious and any man that I talk to at some level I realize that I am being the avoidant now because I don't want to let my healing journey go to waste. So I realize forever in my life that I will always keep a distance in my next relationships simply because of what it took for me to heal. So yes, I believe I am now the avoidant. My question is, I am worried that moving forward, i would get 'worse' in my avoidancy because of how much care I am putting into myself now.